After you...

Let's talk about courtesy. 

After you. 

No, please, I insist.

Oh, ok then, I'll go first, as long as you're sure? Right then.

Courtesy is defined in the dictionary as: 

1. excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behaviour.
2. a courteous, respectful, or considerate act or expression.

I'm a big fan of courtesy. I believe that if we were all more courteous in everyday life then the world would be a far better place. It's the acts of unselfishness, the thinking of others, that raise us above the animals. Some would equate it with altruism, but I think that goes too far. I don't do it for no reward. I do it for the look of recognition or appreciation that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and because it's how I would like to be treated. When I hold a door for you I am not saying that you are better than me. As it says above, it's about respect and consideration, and if I can't show that to others then why have I any right to expect it myself?

"Ah, the old glue-on-the-doorhandle gag. Thank you, darling. How funny."

But let's get back to that look of appreciation. I need that. I need to feel that my respect has been noted. Courtesy is a two-way street, an exchange, and if the recipient doesn't take part then why the hell should I bother? Let me give you an example.

I travel to work by train. Every day I tend to get to the station around 10 to 15 minutes before the train is due to leave. I don’t like to rush and the train usually arrives early and sits there for a while, so this gives me plenty of time to get on and find a seat. I have a spot on the platform where I stand every day (yes, I’m that sad) that corresponds to a point on the train that usually has a number of empty seats, and when I arrive I’m usually the first to be standing at this end of the platform. Recently, I had been waiting for about 10 minutes when the train pulled into the station. People had arrived around me and kept an appropriate distance (we’re British - avoid eye contact and don’t get too close), whilst at the same time acknowledging that I had been there first by standing slightly farther back than I. It is our way. But just as the train was coming to a stop a woman came striding down the platform and positioned herself directly between myself and the train door without so much as a glance. She then barely allowed passengers time to alight before she stepped on and took the most favourable seat.

Now, as I said, I’m British, so I did the only thing I could do in this situation - I said and did absolutely nothing, but gave a very stern rant about her to my colleagues later in the day. Ooh, how her ears must have been burning!

This incident annoyed me and is probably the reason I’m writing on the topic now. What annoys me is not the fact that she got on first, because the chances are that I’d have played the gentleman and given her the nod or a smile to indicate that she should go first. It’s that she assumed that it was her right to get on first.

It left me wondering if she made that assumption because she was a woman. Did she see that I was a man and conclude that I had less of a right? Was it because she had been shown courtesy so many times before that she felt it was automatically going to be offered?

If the latter was the case then she did me the disservice of not playing her part in the ritual, of not making it an exchange. She effectively made a gesture that was rude and that in turn caused me to be less courteous to others during that day because I was so put out.

And, before you start, courtesy is not something that I reserve solely for the female of the species. I’m just as likely to hold a door for a man as I am for a woman. Courtesy should not have a gender bias (although in practice it seems to) or an age bias, it should be something that every human being offers to every other human being. It’s a way of saying “I’m civilised”. Similarly, every person that has a door held for them, or an ‘after you’ gesture made to them, should be able to acknowledge that fact, even if only in a very small way. That’s a way of saying “I see that you’re civilised. I appreciate that”.

I know that we’re all busy people, we all have places to be, but an act of courtesy is a thing of a moment and does not cost us anything. It can sometimes be the one good thing in an otherwise horrendous day. It can raise a smile in the recipient and lift us when we see that smile. If every person performed just one act of courtesy every day, think what a pleasant time we would all have.

So, go forth and be courteous, and if someone shows you an act of kindness, however small, acknowledge it. Be part of the exchange. Make them feel it was worth it.

Go on. After you.